Everything is already okay

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I ended up here: why I am living in the middle of nowhere in Africa amongst so little, how I met Lilu, how when things felt so low, this opportunity came along to sweep me up and save me. I spent so much time in my life thinking that it was me that controlled everything, me that failed or made things happen, because action produces results we are told! I am not saying that the will shouldn’t be there but when I look at my life and I look at the crazy things that have happened and the experiences I have had, the more I understand that I, me, am not so important to have all that control. Shocking, I know! I can ignore the magical things that are calling my name and are right in front of me, which many of us do, and think that I am the maker of my own destiny, but then I miss the divine comedy of it all - the beauty, the lessons, the magic, the simplicity even in the pain.

Several “spiritual” people or “astrologers” I met over the past little while (mostly out of desperation) told me that my purpose was to help people, to help humanity! My response was: “What are you ass holes talking about, I can’t even help myself how am I supposed to find the energy to help others.” It’s funny how I have been put in this situation, the practice of helping people has been placed right in front of me. I previously thought that helping people needed to be some kind of grand gesture, I was mistaken.

I have been placed in a position where I have to manage people, delegate tasks, find patience and understanding in the lack of standard around here. Literally, at times I would like to yell at the level of competence or lack thereof. But then I stop and reflect and think - no Sara, this is your chance to help people. Try to empower them without being authoritative and all knowing, smile, find compassion. 

It is an interesting predicament I find myself in. Lilu has given me the task of overseeing an impact assessment report, basically analyzing primary data gathered from the field to assess DDG’s operations over the past year, drawing findings, recommendations, etc. I love writing and being critical, so this is no problem for me. BUT, I have two other people, one of which is very qualified, working on the report who think because I am white I have some sort of authority. I hate having authority and prefer to stay in the background and maintain my humility, especially when I am in a different culture. I don’t want to be some sort of neo-colonialist, but when it takes one whole day for my colleagues to write a paragraph and the deadline approaches, I find my western conditioning sparked. “We need to be productive people, no it can’t wait until after lunch, we need to move, no we can’t have an extension, this needs to be done and done well!” So in other words, I have had to learn to delegate, to teach, to find patience. I sometimes forget that I actually have a higher degree because it often seems so irrelevant to me. Well, here it is not!

Anyway, that’s it for today. Off to the local market! Over and out!